"Our souls are like those orphans whose unwedded mothers die in bearing them: the secret of our paternity lies in their grave, and we must there to learn it."
"It smells like the left wing of the day of judgment."
More Tales of Dick:
Olbermann on Dick
Can't Shoot for Dick
Various Dikipedia entries that had me cracking up:
Tom Brady: "On February 3, 2008, Tom Brady brought his team, with their perfect 18-0 record, to the Super bowl where he promptly choked and was beaten by a banged-up team of young players led by a guy who is not even the best quarterback in his immediate family."
Sean Penn: "Often described as an acting “powerhouse,” Sean Penn is known for his intensity and humorlessness. He has been a druggie, a delinquent, mentally-unhinged, and a retard. He has also played those characters in films."
Ronald Reagan: "Despite being America’s most famous conservative, Reagan actually began life as a New Deal Democrat. He began to turn away from the Democrats, however, when they aligned themselves with the burgeoning civil rights movement. "I didn't leave the Democratic Party", Reagan later claimed, "The party left me.” (Probably at a Whites Only water fountain.)"
Lance Armstrong: "married Kristin Richard in 1998. After bearing him three children, caring for them while he spent up to half a year, every year, training in Spain, and then supporting him through major illness and recovery, Armstrong rewarded his wife by dumping her for singer-songwriter Cheryl Crow. He subsequently broke off his engagement to Ms. Crow after she was diagnosed with cancer. That, apparently, was too much of a downer for him.
In October 2007, he began dating Mary Kate Olsen. Or was it Ashley Olsen? No, it was Mary Kate. Whichever one it was, for a brief period, Armstrong was putting it to an anorexic ex-child star more than half his age. Not bad for a guy with one ball. "
Pat Robertson: "After failing to pass the bar exam in 1955, Robertson underwent his religious conversion, entering a field that has a much lower bar than the actual bar."