Jul 13, 2007

It's Personal Baggage Friday!

Wherein I exhale all manner of non-political thoughts upon my unsuspecting fellow bloggers...

The Gf and I are heading to Levelland today and probably tomorrow, to look at houses. I've been trying to "stay cool" but the excitement is starting to get to me anyway. An extra bedroom, maybe two. A real garage. Central Air. Not living in the ghetto. An EXTRA Bathroom! (hell yes!) I have been stuck with 3 females in a one bathroom house for far too long.

A new start in a new town. It's kind of mindblowing, which is why, i suppose, that i have been underplaying it in my mind. I am trying not to get overwhelmed by the monumental changes that are dancing on tomorrow's breeze.

Stress has been a factor, and the source for every one of the recent arguments between me and Lauren. The vacations didn't help a damn thing. Too much stress and too many things to do crammed into too little time do not a vacation make.

I have been struggling to breathe deep through it all, to slow my pulse and not fall prey to my anxieties. Everything that I do in life, from simply working out to studying stock market strategies reinforces this train of thought.

Everytime I react, forcefully and immediately, I ended up screwing up everything. If I take a long term view on what is going on, study the situation and move at a slower pace, everything works better. When I adjust to a change TOO quickly, it doesn't have the expected result. All my life I have been told not to "Get behind". I have been told over and over that you have to be the fastest, the first, in order to thrive. But it's just bullshit.

Instincts and reactions serve their purpose in situations that call for immediate action- in my experience with high-adrenaline fights or tense situations involving car wrecks or life threatening matters. But other than that, reacting too quickly and making quick judgment calls bites me in the ass almost every time. You have to find your center, within yourself, and hold yourself inside of it. You have to know yourself and your desires and those around you. You have to maintain focus, even when you are moving at a run. If you don't you zig and you zag and you end up doing something that may be expedient or seem right in the heat of the moment, but that ends up fucking you over in the end.

So, Instead of holding my breath and waiting on tiptoes for the perfect moment to exhale, I am balancing easily inside the breathing itself. Instead of action-reaction, I am trying to stretch it all out into a constant flow. My main consideration is to NOT react, to NOT act on my first impulse and to find a state of fluid concentration.

I've got to find that elemental focus that takes me above it all, Not all crashing water or roaring fire- But floating above it all, lightly avoiding the obstacles that come at me.

I've got to breathe deep and become that breath.


mirth said...

I'm also implusive, immediate reactions to nearly everything, and while that is smoothing out some as I see 40 not too far away, careful considerings are not a good fit and I don't relinquish it gladly. That component of my personality, while on more than one occasion has caused me...well, a buncha stuff, it also is what gives me an appetite for a full life and the ability to wring every drop of juice from it. I don't want to be moderated. Which is one reason why I like living alone.
Good luck with the move. When I came to NM, it was a sharp turn and even the angst was worth every moment.
I feasted on this post.

mirth said...

I should add that I very much admire you seeking an inner calm for its benefits to both your family and to you.

angry ballerina said...

Try being a chick and sharing a bathroom with 5 guys. I have no pity.

Fade said...

"I feasted on this post"

Damn. Its comments like that that tempt my impulsiveness to the limit.

You know I love you, right?

I believe that is the best compliment I have EVER had. You know, Deep inside, I know I will never truly be moderated. I am sitting here shaking my head and wondering how I avoided getting into a fight at the bar yet again last night. All I can say- Thank god for those skinheads moderation.

I live WAY Too Much inside each and every moment. I worship chaos most of the time. But Really, I am glad I have a good woman who puts up with my shit and can calm me down with a simple touch. Sometimes its really hard tho. I dont know why I am the way I am.
- My best writing comes when I dont think at all- I just feel the moment and If I am lucky, it all bleeds out, unvarnished and unedited.

If this seems kinda disjointed, well, I just woke up and I think all those yeagerbombs,liquid cocaines and shots of tequila may still be dancing in my head...

Fade said...

And Angry, the day I get some Pity from YOU, I'll be worried.

Stay Pitiless. It keeps us on our toes.

supergirlest said...

ah, yes! Be the breath! be the breath! here's to a new wonderful adventure!!!

should i be expecting a weddin' invite soon? hhhhmmmmmmmm?

by the way - i don't know if i could share a bathroom with 3 girls, either. ;)

mirth said...

That's called 'writing real' and that's why I likes it, Mister.