Mar 9, 2007

The War against Easter

This story threatens everything I learned in Jesuschristday School (not to be confused with "Sunday" school which falsely labels the day of our lord after pagan demon-entities)!

How dare some California hippies try to pry St.Peter Cottontail from the cold dead hands of our lord and savior?! Attacking Christmas is one thing, celebrating the birth of our lord- (well the birth of our lord moved back 3 months to winter in order to totally overshadow those damn Mithraists' holiday! And it worked!)

But Attacking Easter?! Celebrating the torture and execution of our lord by fascist invaders in the Middle East? And how he was reborn in that land!? Blasphemers!

I remember the first time I was told the story of the Easter bunny and our lord and savior, Jesus Christ:

Father Ron, our baptist preacher, militant little league soccer coach, and ladies' man ("Divorce isn't wrong if your wife is a frigid bitch!") sat our class down (boys in the front, girls in the back) to tell us of that wondrous time

Jesus was on the cross, and he was in a bad way when one of god's creatures- a tiny bunny rabbit hopped up. And Jesus looked down and said to the rabbit: "I'll giveth an endless supply of carrots if you can get me out this mess." Soeth the Easter bunny gnawed through the nail in Jesus' legs and they followed the trail of god eggs that led them out of the Roman's concentration camp and to the cave where Jesus turned some water into wine and had a very ungodly hangover.

Three days later he walked out of the cave with the Easter Bunny by his side. And he looked at the Romans, and he looked at his followers. And then he looked to the Heavens and said: "Enough of this horseshit. Dad, Get me the fuck outta here!"

And as he ascended skyward, his followers cried and said "Jesus, why has thou four spanking us?" And he said- "I'll be back- but until then, remember this rabbit and this day, and how finding the eggs are your salvation!" And our lord didst disappear. And his followers picked up St.Peter Cottontail and they gathered the eggs. And that is the story of the last supper. That's why every year St. Peter Cottontail is reborn to hide the eggs so that we may find them and the candy and especially the coveted money eggs that we can spend after we tithe.

So, as you can see- An attack on Easter is an attack on the Lord! Jesus, this transgression shall not be suffered quietly! We will crucify those who dare mock and disdain Easter as some kind of Pagan Fertility Rite!

Bonus: A Christian who wants to take the Bunny out of Easter!


SadButTrue said...

The Eastern Orthodox church has a solemn and beautiful ritual at Easter, as mysterious as it is majestic. The Patriarch enters the sanctuary with a pair of unlit candles, and later emerges with, Hallelujah, brother - two LIT candles!! It's a holy miracle beyond human understanding, and only serves to emphasize how the Patriarch is spiritually superior to his followers.

...To my knowledge, no-one is allowed to check his pockets for matches.

supergirlest said...

i do love little stories based on mythology and traditions from ancient civilizations... i have to say though - father ron wins the prize! lol!!!!!

hippity, hoppity.

Progressive Texas Chicano said...

me and the easter bunni are really good friends. we drink, barbeque, and laugh at all the freepers who celebrate easter via pagan rituals and mores. the whole egg thing is pagan-based. Egg-cellent!