Happiness is...

One of my oldest and dearest accomplices sent me the trailer to a movie that he is in, that is premiering Oct. 16 (in ATX)...



My "accomplice" is an artist and woodworker. I had the great gift of having him design two bedrooms onto my house almost eight years ago, in preparation for the arrival of my second daughter, Rain. He lives and creates in Austin with a whole host of other artists and is currently involved in more projects that even he could list in just one sitting. The movie looks great. His happiness stems from being able to create and enjoy the creativity of those around him. It is my great happiness to have worked and created with him.

Bag em and Tag em

Rules of the game …

*Link to the person who tagged you.

*Post the rules on your blog.

*Write six random things about yourself.

*Tag six random people by linking to their blogs.

*Let each of the six know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment (on each blog).

*Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

I was tag-teamed by Freida Bee and Liberality (or is it team-tagged?) Oh well, the more, the merrier, I always say...

I love art, I love drawing, even though I don't do it much anymore. Writing or reading is what I end up spending all my free time doing now. But every once in a while If I do draw something, it's usually for my kids. They all love art, and I get more contentment watching them sketch, paint or build something than most parents get watching their kids play a sport. And every once in a while they need Dad to show them how to draw something. That is the best.

I am known to most of my friends as a very outgoing person. But to people I don't know closely, I appear to be a very quiet, even brooding person. I don't like bringing attention to myself except when I'm in my circle of friends, where I am a twisting Texas tornado. The people who I meet in the "social circuit" who see me out in the "real world" almost don't recognize me. And the people who I've met via work, or other situations who run into me in that mode can't tell me fast enough how boring they thought I was before then. So, that's kind of weird to me.

I cook very well. This surprises people when they have an occasion to partake of a dinner I've made. I don't know why this surprises them. I have been a single dad for most of my life. Someone had to feed my kids. The concoctions I create are a little weird, I'll give you that. Typical man that I am, I almost never use a recipe except as a rough guideline. I also never go to the grocery store just to purchase items for one meal. I just look in the fridge and cabinets and work with what I've got. My kids are very picky, but they will usually eat anything I cook (This drives Lauren crazy!)

I shot my younger brother in the head with a bb gun when I was in fifth grade. He was holding a bucket up through a clubhouse window while we were playing war. I hit the bucket and the bb slid past it and embedded itself in his right temple, about an inch from his eye. I took him back to the house, forced him to take some tylenol (to deaden the pain) and was about to do surgery with an X-acto blade when Mom came home. He got a quick trip to the emergency room. Mom took our bb guns away but we were still allowed to take the shotguns out down the street whenever we felt like it. In her words "At least I know you won't be shooting at each other with THOSE guns"... well, actually Mom...

My older sister cut the tires of the apartment complex manager's car where our parents lived one New Year's Eve. I got blamed. My older brother whooped my ass good. I never narc-ed her out, but I still feel like she should at least admit to the shit after all this time.

If I was to find out I would die tomorrow, I would die satisfied and content. I couldn't always say that, but I believe that I've made up for every bad thing I've ever done and made amends to everyone in my life that I've ever hurt. I'm a good friend, a stand up person, and the best father that I know how to be. I've paid it forward every day of my life, even before I even knew what the hell that meant. That's the only thing to me that matters- that I can look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I am.

The Mother's Prayer

The Mother's Prayer

Our Mother, which art underfoot and all around

Hallowed be thy world, to which all are bound

Thy kingdom now

Our will be one, as above, so below

Give us this day our daily need

and let us give back what is not needed

let us live without greed, sloth, or vanity

let us know our place in thy world

let us sow so that we may reap

let us reap so that we may sow

let us live so that we may die

let us die so that we may live

Give us balance

and let us have the wisdom to maintain the balance

From thy we are born

and to thy we return

For thine is the kingdom,

earth and heaven and hell, wrapped in one.

Let it be.

Kirk Berryhill

4/17/2008

Yes, its the weekend and i am bored

I watched that, and I remember how it felt - to feel like that. Long time ago.

And immune to those feelings now, I wonder if I am better - or worse.

?

And then I find this Holy Hell ,

"Lust, you are a thief."

I am in love again. with the thief who has stolen these words from my heart and placed them on display where I could steal them back... Nothing is so invigorating as the cold splash of furious poetry across my numb,dumb face... Wake me and Take me.

and I realize, we don't ever become immune. but fortunately, we can express it a lot more eloquently as our pain ages...

It was a brief romance, just the way I like them...

Bask in my love and let me run before you can discover how impure my love really is.

apology for paradise tasted, but never given.

One Needless Death

Winter Patriot: While my guitar and I both gently weep

Spilling out of the Reasonable Mold

Cretin-Doofus-Master-of-Morons

Stuff like this is exactly why I love the internet. Kester has a heartfelt post concerning his son, his self, and not fitting into the common mold...

The Maniac and the Brainiac

Sorry I love this pic and had to share. Two sides of the same coin....

6 word memoir meme - Passed to me from Liberality ... Not sure if there are rules, if so, I ain't found em... My fate:

Children- the only immortality you'll possess




(for my Steel, my Amethyst, my Amber, my Mercury... and ... something new. I'm afraid minimalism is something I have in short supply)

Burnt outtie

The past two weeks have been wild, politically. I usually would be drinking myself through the harder bits. "Hillary said what? Obama did not just go there! Quick I need a bottle of rotgut whiskey before I lose faith in mankind!"

But, since I promised my health nut fiancee' that I would go on a diet until I get my abs back, I am no longer allowed my food group of choice- Anheuser Busch. So while I am "enjoying" the first week of workouts and sobriety, I probably will be too depressed to blog in my normal good spirits.

Anyway, while I take the week off, take a spin through my Bad Influences and warp yourselves further.

and here's a few of my Favorite blogs that you need to add to your Blogroll NOW!

The Doctor is in

My Favorite Antisocial Socialite

A Distant Ocean

Da Guys - and check out their individual blogs as well

Moon of Alabama - still miss the Whiskey bar...

Enjoy your weekend-

I'll still be haunting your blog comments, I'm sure -see you around

All good days

Dear Self-

What have you done today?

Today, I have taken care of my family. I have loved them all, each one, and I have let them know it. I have hugged the ones I could, and called the ones I couldn't. I have done a good deed for a couple of people who didn't deserve it, but who need all the love they can get.

Today, I slept late and woke to a breakfast I didn't expect. I worked out when I didn't want to, I washed a truck that was not mine, I have built a fence, I have put up wallpaper borders, I have sanded and painted a skateboard with an 8 year old girl. I have let go of something that needed to be let go of, for a long long time. I have loved, and I have lived, and I have learned.

And most important of all- Today I have been loved.

It has been a good day. All days can be this good, if I can just remember to LET them be.

The Most Important Piece of the Puzzle

When your heart is shattered-

And you pick up the pieces

and patch yourself slowly back together,

you realize you will never be the same.

but sometimes-

just sometimes...

You look into that mirror and find-

that you have never been better.

.

I Love You, Lauren. Happy Valentine's day.

I'm a gonna tell you how its gonna be...

She walked into the living room. It's 2am and I'm up, and when I'm not in bed next to her, she gets kind of antsy...

I'm not really doing anything, puttering around, drank my last two beers, watched a bit of Ed Norton's rant in 25th hour, put some dishes in the dishwasher, paced around for about an hour, contemplating the joys of eating bacon and eggs in the middle of the night versus ruining this resolution thang. She comes in, sits on the couch, looks forlorn. She doesn't say anything. Neither do I. She doesn't look at me or give me the usual "What the fuck are you doing up at this hour" look. She's just there, a presence, not altogether unwanted, but not really desired at this point. I turn the stereo up, I break the silence and ask her in an offhand way if she likes Dylan. She does. She's a country girl, so I didn't know. She loves Tom Petty and Mellencamp, but like most of the people I know, anything older than they are just doesn't register.

I peek in at Rain and Amy, they're 'snug as bug as a rug' as they would say. Subconsciously agitated, I am forced from my study of nothingness by her invasion into my solitude. I flit about, then I look over at her, really look, and I see that all that she wants is comfort. I stop my nervous meandering and set down next to her, close. She lays her head on my shoulder and her gentle hand moves to rest on the inside of my elbow. Buddy Holly comes on, "I'm a gonna tell you how it's gonna be, You're gonna give your love to me... I'm gonna love you night and day" The song twists in my head and the words turn to "I'm a gonna throw your love away...."

I take a deep breath and suppress the thousands of the same old thoughts. Is it really Fear? Fear of commitment? I don't think so. That's what they tell me it is. "They" being all the women I know, the exes and the too close friends. "It's going to end up bad". Well, no shit, I reply. It always ends up bad, why should I even dream that this will be any different. I feel sorry for my fiancee'. I feel her heart stir, next to mine, as we sit there in the muted chaos of the moment. She doesn't want to talk and neither do I. She knows how I feel deep inside and exposing those feelings right now won't help anything. I want to talk, but I know at this moment, any conversation will be doomed to, inevitably, a fight. She thinks she can change me. Sometimes I do, too. She believes it. She believes it because she loves me and she knows I love her and she has always been told that this is enough.

It isn't.

But, I don't really feel like her martyring herself on the cross of my emotional indifference right this second. A sudden urge to write hits me and again, I feel the nervous energy surge through me. Rocket man by Elton is playing now, and I want to be on that rocket. It occurs to me that she is awake and not in the bedroom. The computer is in the bedroom. I avoid it when she's here because I understand that she regards it as competition. It is the other woman that I submit myself to the way she would like me to submit to her. I ask if she can't sleep. She says no. I know she just wants me to lay down with her and go back to bed.

I stand, I tell her I feel like writing as I move towards the bedroom.
"Writing about what?" Everything is specific with her. Every thought must have a label, every action a reason. She follows.

"On my blog." I reply, avoiding the question. I sit down at the computer and log on to blogger.

"I thought you deleted all those blogs."

"everything but the political one. You know me and politics" The word politics affects most women the way the word shopping affects men. She dismisses me, then. It isn't about her. She realizes I am not coming back to bed, and now, what's worse, is that I have stolen the bedroom. She grabs a comforter, whines a little. When I don't respond, she disappears.

And here I am, once again wondering what the fuck I am doing and trying to reconcile the desire for a relationship and pleasing this woman, who I do love- with the conflicting desires that want to rip me away. It's an old argument. One that I am tired of having with myself...

So, the desire to write is spent. My urge has come, came, and went. The bed is empty now.

Patterns and Waves II: Order and Form

Part I is here

EXCERPTS from Elliot Wave Principle (in black)
.
"The logarithmic spiral has no boundaries and is a constant shape. The center is never met and the outward reach is unlimited. The core of a logarithmic spiral seen through a microscope has the same look as a spiraling galaxy viewed through a telescope. It is the only spiral that never changes its shape.

The logarithmic spiral further indicates that one can go to infinity in a minus quantity from any point in the spiral and one can go to infinity in a plus quantity from the same point. Both ends of the spiral must meet somewhere in infinity in the form of a circle (zero) as there is no other place to meet. Plus and minus quantities must meet somewhere, and added together give zero. Zero is never nothing; it is always something. If we start from zero, we go back to zero."

.

"Within the progression from ashes to ashes and dust to dust then, there is something which meets the circumstances of awareness. Thus the logarithmic spiral spreads before us in symbolic form, as one of nature's grand designs, the image of life in endless expansion and contraction on the same plane, the within and the without sustained by a common umbilical law: the 1.618 ratio or Golden Mean.

.

"History abounds with examples of learned men who held a special fascination for this particular mathematical formulation. Of course, the earliest known, and probably the most interesting, is that of the priests of the Gizeh pyramid of Egypt, who recorded the secret of phi in its construction. Furthermore, it has been reported that the Great Pyramid was used as a temple of initiation for those who proved themselves worthy to understand the great universal secrets. Only those who could rise above the crude acceptance of things as they seemed on the surface to discover what, in actuality, they were, could be instructed in "the mysteries".

.

"For some then, the "light of god" has been revealed through an understanding of the principle behind the logarithmic spiral, a principle of continuous growth and unaltered form.

"It is this form which gives structure and unity to the universe. Nothing in nature suggests that life is disorderly or formless. The word "universe" means "one order."

.

If life has form, then we should not reject the probability that even the most minute facets of life will have been composed and are being created in a manner that follows the same principles of the greater form. Elliott's theory "postulates that no matter how minute or large the form, the basic design remains constant."

.

"Both Pythagoras, who in a self-portrait held a pyramid marked "The Secret of the Universe" in his right hand, and Isaac Newton, who had the logarithmic spiral carved on the headboard of his bed, would probably have agreed with this formulation."

.

These mathematical forms may or may not mean anything to you. You may see or sense this intricate web in all things, concrete as well as abstract. And even in doing so, you may still discard these theories as useless- yielding you no greater fathoming of the depths around you.

.

The Desiderata reads:

You are a child of the Universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Patterns within Waves

One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh, but the earth abideth forever. The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose. The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits. All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the flow from whence the rivers come, thither they return again...
The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done; and there is no new thing under the sun.
Ecclesiastes

The upward and downward swings of life are caused by excesses of human optimism followed by excesses of human pessimism. The pendulum swings too far one way and there is glut; it swings too far the other way and there is scarcity. An excess in one direction breeds an excess in the other and so on, and so on, diastole and systole in never-ending succession.

What actually registers in life's ups and downs are not the events themselves, but the human reactions to these events, as greater and greater ripples in the water.

And even in these greater and greater ripples, there are counterwaves and patterns that are reflected over and over again, in such repetition that one might consider them not just random reactions but components of a material lattice. Once you see past the flow itself, into the patterns that form this seemingly chaotic stream of reactions, you can find yourself enabled to create your own minor patterns instead of being swept along by whichever wave takes you.

.

----------------------------

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Jon Swift on Blogroll Amnesty Day and how to Blog Unto Others

Here are a few good lists of lesser known blogs for ya'll to check out:

Suzi Riot

The Aristocrats

Ice Station Tango

The Totalitarian Mindset

This article by J.R. Nyquist "Alien Minds" seems to both condemn and condone the totalitarian thought process.

My response:

Your article is an interesting one, and with a very sound premise. However, I have to rebuke you for considering "the West" as being an exception to the rule. This is laughable. There are many of us in the West who do indeed wish for a world that is not in a constant state of conflict. But that sentiment is not shared by our current leaders in the United States, who do indeed, live by the thought of future (and present) world war. On one hand, you dismiss and bemoan the thought processes of the Hitlers and Stalins, on the other, you prop up Tocqueville's words to the effect that the opposite of these minds is weakness and capitulation.

Totalitarianism does not except this nation as it expands it conquest- however failed the efforts of our current government.

"History teaches that totalitarian regimes cheat when it comes to arms control." And indeed, the United States and Russia have. Our regime will never give up its nuclear arms, only a fool would suggest this. More's the pity. Everything that you write about our enemies supposed goals from the holier-than-thou attitude of a Westerner can be also be said of the United States. And with the added evidence that we have the been the only aggressor nation in the past 10 years.

The tone of your article, and the emphasis on fear and aggression have indeed have an effect on the regimes of the past. You fail to recognize that in the face of the world's history - in contrast to the major powers of the world, that America has risen to the apex of its power by a history of appeasement, diplomacy, and controlled aggression. We did not rise to power by conquest or invasion or reckless aggression.

Congratulating Moscow on their so-called "stunning achievement" is ridiculous. Of course they would not dismantle their nuclear armaments, not as long as they have plenty of men like Mr. Nyquist, on their side, who are loudly crying that the United States is Russia's most dangerous enemy.

Russia and America own 95% of the world's nuclear weapons. Other countries will slowly gain these same weapons; not out of Nyquist's knee-jerk fear that "they" drool and chomp at the bit to use them against "us" in a suicidal attack- but as bargaining chips that bring them higher up the food chain militarily. We have all the steel - so those around us are only too happy to trade up from their bronze.

The same men who are "worried" that nuclear weapons “could” fall into dangerous hands are the Kissingers who make back room deals to give these weapons to other countries in trade for oil, trade agreements, and enriching themselves.

Mr. Nyquist makes a big point of : "As alien as this way of thinking is to normal people, it is second nature to a man like Vladimir Putin." The sad truth is that the Bush's, the Putin's, the Kissingers ALL own the totalitarian mindset. And Nyquist himself seems to own this mindset, as evidenced by the entire article and his belittling of the opposite - the mindset of the normal people with their "bourgeois morality".

“One death is a tragedy,” Stalin once said, “but one million deaths is a statistic.” Of course, you'd have to prove to me that these shallow power brokers believe that any death but their own is a tragedy.

Daddy Kirk's 720

It all started with my daughter, Amy, asking what a "180" was...

So, after I broke out pen and paper (cause, she's every bit as much of a analytical geek as I) and explained 90 degree angles, 180s and 360s as best as I could, using examples with trampolines and skateboards and finally we spun around the room together for full effect- she kept the math going and asked: So If I spin around twice its a 720?

Uh yeah.

She's happy cuz she learned something. I'm happy because I may have actually taught something, and there ya go. Momentary Parental Nirvana achieved. Now I can drink myself into a stupor without feeling as guilty as normal.

Just kidding. Barely a half-stupor, but its 11pm, so I'm working on it.

Any-Way- So after toying with the idea of deleting this blog tonight, or deleting everything but the non-political posts (I know, jeezus, that would take some time) I decide I shall persevere. And feeling like everything has grown sort of stagnant of late, I delve into piles of my old writing, most of which was completely non-political. I found some gems, though. From my Republican days.

I will now ruin all my hard-earned liberal blog cred by posting some of them...

This is a letter to the Editor to the Lubbock Avalanche Journal that got published 10 years ago during the Impeachment of Bill Clinton. Back when I was a certified dittohead.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR
The Lady who Defended Clinton on 10/7/98 says a husband can receive "mouth jobs" from a woman besides his wife and it is okay. Apparently she and the president have the same views on marriage. However, Clinton finally admitted having "regular" sex with other women during his marriage. He first lied to his family and the public about all of them. He also lied about accepting illegal contributions from agents of the Chinese government. He also lied about doing drugs. He also lied about knowing nothing about Travelgate and Whitewater. I don't think he should be impeached ONLY for his dalliances with a Government employee on Government time on Government property. He should be removed from office for All of his numerous crimes against America and the American people. And By the way, I also think that we Clinton bashers could make good skunk catchers, after all, we caught HIM.
10/18/98

My first letter ever published to the A-J. Boy was I full of myself (completely unlike the moderate, humble blogger you know and love now, huh?) All that I can say in defense of myself is - uh - Hey! I'm consistent in my desire to impeach Presidents, no matter what party- Now, THAT'S Bipartisan...

My next letter got me in hot water with the family, who decided I was satanic. How, may I ask you, can a card carrying recipient of the Limbaugh letter be in league with the Debbil? I am re-printing it here, just to show that you can be a metal-head and a Republican at the same time. Although, now, hindsight being 20/20 - I understand that Rush was a gateway drug into fascist dopedom. Luckily my ADHD prevented the crystal meth from having much of an effect.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

A little hearsay goes a long way. This letter is in response to Mrs.Caldwell's (AJ 1-25). The band, Marilyn Manson, is not satanic, and neither does the lead singer who also goes by the name, Marilyn Manson, consider himself the antichrist. The name of their most recent album is Antichrist Superstar, a tongue-in-cheek marketing ploy devised by the band's manager, in order to garner attention from the rebellious teen age group who make up the band's target audience. Does anyone remember the band KISS and the rumors surrounding them? Marilyn Manson is KISS for the 90's. Sure they dress up weird, act a little goofy, and use a lot of theatrical special effects. So what? The music is good, and that is why I will be at the concert on Feb.4. People should open their eyes and minds before calling for a ban of anything based merely on gossip.

This was all, of course, before the religious wing of the right reared its fugwy head. By the time that had happened, I was already out the door. I never thought that I would end up here, in the strange limbo that I now inhabit, the liberal ghetto of redneckistan. It's all good, though. I wasn't a total douchebag back then, I still managed to write a few things that mean something to me still....

Untitled 8/14/96

Never again a broken heart,
and never again true love-
And when I relive those evil deeds,
I know this fate worse than ever dreamed of.

Wisdom comes hard, or not at all,
and Penance only allowed so many times
These words are my duty and my final debt
Here- My love borne of a few simple rhymes...

Arrogance is bliss
but is easily corrected
With the loss of your kiss
My soul was disconnected

I set aside the decay of pride
and dream the same daydream
holding you close by my side
and things become all they seem

I've never said that I wasn't lost
The only thing I liked about my life was you
The price of my selfishness now has an eternal cost...
And drifting here in Hell, I don't know what to do.

Pain IS a gift. But hopefully not one you have to receive forever.

Nice Guys Finish ... last?

Angry is one of the most honest bloggers out there. She lays it out why nice guys finish last in her tongue-in-cheek opinion.. Hey Assholes

I love me some Angry. Reminds me a little of... well, me. But a younger, more energetic me whose life was consumed by finding that perfect piece of ... life companion..? And when you're in your twenties, what the hell, you've got plenty of time to fuck off and follow your whims...

Read her whole post, it's great. It can kind of be summarized like this :

“Men are like tile - you lay ‘em right once, and you can walk all over them.” And continuing to find a guy who will walk all over you is infinitely more entertaining than a guy who, you know, treats you with respect (booorrr-innnggggg!)

If you aren't a nice guy, you probably already quit reading this and have surfed over to Angry's place to find out if you can be next on her list to see who can outlay who in order to start asserting your dominance. Good Luck with that. My money's on Angry.

If you are on a mission to fuck every vain, shallow bitch/bastard out there, by all means be an asshole, be a huge fucking bitch. The Paris Hiltons of the world love the "challenge" of screwing such an arrogant cocksman or such an "untouchable" hottie.

But when you grow up and get tired of this youthful exercise in idiocy and degradation-

then quit being a sorry self-centered slut of a person and find a decent man/woman who wants the same. And BE a decent person. Some people never outgrow the "game". Luckily most of us do.

The decent person won’t be the flashiest one out there, they won’t be the one that has a dozen “friends” of the opposite sex that they go out with three times a week to get smashed in order to forget how inconsequential their life really is.

They won’t be concerned with how much money you make/spend. They’ll be there when you need them and expect you to be there when they need you. The first time you shit on them, they’ll be gone, and they won’t look back. And the first time they shit on you- RUN =don’t walk away.

Love the fact that you ARE a good, nice person who doesn't fuck over others. Self confidence is its own aphrodesiac- When you stop chasing shiny trophy pussy to help finance your ego's deepening debt- you might actually find a keeper.

Go ahead and be a nice guy or girl. It’s okay, no matter what the Paris Hiltons are chasing this week. Just don’t let the Peter Pans out there treat you like you are supposed to be their latest accessory while you are being nice to them. Life's too short to be an asshole and its WAY TOO SHORT To have to deal with one.

I KNOW. I was the biggest prick you'd ever meet before I finally figured my shit out. And I've been shit on by some of the biggest bitches on the planet.

Gay Marriage Blues

Does anyone REALLY need the state to approve who you are fucking with a marriage license?

(oh, I'm sorry, I mean who you are in Love with, til ... uh you aren't anymore....)

Gay Divorce- Same old problems

Wasn't a nation full of unhappy straight couples enough of a deterrent? Guess not.

Enjoy your right to screw your life up.

Suckers. Ain't we all?

If there WAS something such as true love, and I am in no way saying there is- You wouldn't need to affirm your affections with the seal of your state. Renounce the real hypocrisy- the "need" for the institution of marriage. Get a lawyer, have your legal needs and rights (property health, and otherwise) drawn up to your specifications.

And if the love of your life pisses you off- rewrite the fuckers and go about your business. Less angst, less bullshit, no need of a judge to get involved to tell you who gets the good car.

Of course, if you have kids, and you've been through the hell of custody battles- you know that that fucking marriage license doesn't mean shit in the end. Put your kids' well-being before your pride and desire to end up "winning". But, if you can do that, you are probably sane enough that you won't end up in a bitter battle anyway.

As always- common sense, sanity, and a sense of respect towards the one you loved pretty much negates the need for any protracted legal/personal conflict in ending your marital bliss.

But what the hell have those three things got to do with a divorce? If you get married you are trading your trust and your freedom for a piece of paper that basically just makes it harder for you to get away from your partner once the shiny wears off.

If the shiny never wears off, fine. But don't try to pretend that the ring on your finger had a goddamn thing to do with it lasting.

Clouds on the ground

Turning onto the highway, heading to work. Thick fog is all that I can see.

Everything is a misty blue-grey color. There is no sky, no surroundings... just a patch of road that stretches about 100 feet forward then disappears into the same nothingness. I set the cruise control at 70, turn the stereo on.

No-skip-

No-skip-

Ah... perfect..

The Doors, the intro to Apocalypse Now, off the soundtrack, complete with the heavy bass of helicopter props thumping slowly into hearing range, then so loud the car, and me, is thrumming with their sound. Drifting down the road, fog parting slightly for my passage through the ethereal wasteland.

No sunrise for me this morning... Every morning I make the thirty minute drive to work. When I was younger, I'd have been pissed off just having to do it. Now, it's a blessing. I have half an hour to wake up, mentally log on to life, and adjust my attitude for the day. And heading east from my home, that is thirty minutes that I get to dwell on the sunrise each morning.

Not today. The Sun is gone, all light is filtered through the beads of mist, bathing my surroundings in illumination which is not illumination. Objects appear out of the fog, pass by, and are swallowed up again, as I am swallowed up again, to them.

Drifting, the wet road feels different to my feet on the pedals. There is less vibration and I can feel the slickness, the lack of connection between the earth and my car. Everything feels disconnected, lighter than air, less real.

Finally the song is over, and The End shifts into War Pigs by Black Sabbath- it's such a perfect segueway that I think for a moment that I must have purposely put these two songs together on this CD, but I know I did not. When I make a music CD, I just throw together a jumble of songs that fit my mood for that moment, and the CD burner organizes them according to the filenames, so as I drag and drop them to a list, they go into their own order. The Chaos IS the craft. Because when I start listening to the songs, I never know what is next. But the eerie despondence of the Doors gives way to the eerie anger of Black Sabbath and it fits perfectly into this moment.

Reality is not only the concrete. And winding my way through the heavy clouds on the ground, I understand this. It's an abstract illusion that provides clarity as you go into the clouds. And when they slowly wisp away and are gone, and the colors and harsh light once again exposes the world around us, I feel loss and not gain.

As I shake my head, as if waking from some dream- I don't feel as if I am more aware- but less. I pull into the parking lot, and step out on pavement that is now dry, with no evidence that the fog was ever there- and I wonder what else I am missing from this reality.

Rain just turned six...

I don't post anything personal very often, but my youngest child just turned six years old. I thought I'd dote a little bit since "my baby" isn't a baby any longer.... (sigh) Here's a few pics from her Proud daddy.

Damn I am getting old. And meanwhile I am busting my ass right now getting the oldest's christmas present ready in time... He is 17 and I am rebuilding a hot rod for him. Just finished putting the paint on it Sat night. Rain (yes, Caveman, that is a pretty hippy name- her sister's name is Amy Sky - sue me) is already designing the car she wants me to build her... So far all that I know is that it has be "Blue, not pink-, NOT have a top, and have flames." I will get right on that...

Anyway- Everyone have a great day!