How the Government will Save you from Terror, Part one

The US government has a new website, www.ready.gov , displaying public service symbols for terrorism readiness in the tradition of the old "duck and cover" campaigns.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything!

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.


If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle.
If you are bald, yell really loud.


If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.


If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.


Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!



The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water, and at least one armless hand.



Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.



Hurricanes, animal corpses, and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.



Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy.
Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.



Government Explanation: If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Rovian Counter Explanation: (ala Busker ) Questions about terror scores, the no-fly list, and warrantless wiretaps, as well as any and all other inquiries relating to America's GWOT strategy, may be brought to the Antiterror Enforcement Complaints Authority, where you may 1) talk to the hand, and then 2) leave.

If your building collapses, cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.



After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.



If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.



If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell.



If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.



Halliburton Headquarters is in Houston. Avoid at all costs.



If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.




When approached by Der Shrubenfuhrer or the Blackwater Shrubtroopers, quickly bow then assume the fetal position so as to not appear "terroristical"



Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.



A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!



Pay attention to the signs! You are now Government-Ready-ized to face Armageddon! Enjoy the remainder of the show.

CONTEST!
If you have better lines for the "Danger Signs" feel free to post them in the comments... Whoever I think has the best lines will get (absolutely free!) an official Fade Arma-ged-it-on Survivor Kit, which of course, includes an obligatory Arrogant Bastard Ale (the Unofficial beer of the Apocalypse).