Jun 13, 2007

Babbling Troublemakers

Fuckity-fuck-fuck! I know I haven't really blogged about anything useful in a long while. Ever since I passed my damn test, I've been working exponentially harder and have less time to fuck around up here at work. Now that I'm officially a professional, I've been expected to act like it and actually do shit up here.

I haven't had time for this blog, haven't had time for my 360 blog, haven't even had time to simply screw around and make funny jpg morphs that insult various religions, politicians, and close personal friends (always the most amusing).

Shit's been flying fast and furious and I haven't even had time to duck, just plowing through the torrential effluence as best as I can.

Personal issues have been piling up, but in a good way: The gf got her masters, we find out if she's got a job in her field in an outlying suburb of Lubbock at the end of this week. If she gets it, there are pros and cons- Mainly pros, but it means I sell my house in the ghetto and we buy a new home. I haven't moved in 10 years, and I am not looking forward to it. I love my little hood house.

For all those of you reading this who know me personally and have partied at my house- you KNOW how much I love it. The Best thing about living in the hood- No one calls the cops. The police have only been by once in 10 years. The first time was a keg party about ten years ago. I was only 24- and drove up with two kegs in the back of my truck to find the police in my front yard. They were running people off before the party had even started.

I pulled up, started unloading the kegs.
"Hold it- hold it! What do YOU think you're doing?"the first officer inquired.
"I'm getting ready to have a party." I was sober and hadn't done anything wrong, I figured whatever reason they were here wasn't valid or didn't involve me anyway. The first officer, who ended up doing the good cop routine, wanted to know who rented this house. I informed Mr. good cop that I didn't rent it, I owned it.

Mr. Bad cop didn't believe me. I didn't give a shit. They were going through their little cop spiel when I interrupted Mr. Bad cop-

"Why are you here?" I asked, pointedly. (Always talk to the Bad cop. Go straight for the asshole, it saves time). "Your friends are disrespectful!" He leaned in, glaring, inches away.

"I wasn't aware that was against the law" I said sarcastically. Then I tried to channel my father, (the biggest asshole I know) and glared right back, even leaning in too.
"Why-Are-You-Here? I know my neighbors didn't call you. I know you haven't received a complaint, so what's the deal?"

Good cop looked a little taken aback, things weren't going the way he had planned. Bad cop, one of Lubbock's finest - a total redneck prick, didn't miss a beat : "No, no one called us- we were headed down the street on a domestic abuse call when one of your friends decided to flip off the Po-Leese" (he even said it just like that "Po-leese").

"Huh?!" And jaded as I am, I was even a little shocked- My mouth is much faster than my brain and I popped out with "You mean to tell me that there's some poor woman being beat down the street and you stopped here because some little punk FLIPPED YOU OFF?"
I looked from good cop to bad cop, and it was right there on their faces- Good cop had the grace to look embarrassed. Bad cop didn't give a shit. His face got red but I plowed right on, invincible because I was stone cold sober- "Do I need to go check on her? How long have you been here? 2o minutes? Jesus are you guys for real? "

Good cop finally grabbed the about-to-explode-Bad cop and said something about "we're going to be watching you" and started to leave. Bad cop said if he had to come back out here, he was going to arrest me on the spot, no questions asked. I replied "If you ACTUALLY get a complaint from one of my neighbors, I'll put the handcuffs on for you." Insert shit-eating grin here.

I felt like the battle was won, so I threw them a bone- I looked at good cop and said "It looks like you've run off all the troublemakers so I thank you for that." Good cop was mollified a tiny bit, and I think he may have been imagining that they needed to get to that domestic call asap. Bad cop still glared and repeated he was going to be back. My smart ass kicked in again- and I stepped towards him, "What was your name Officer?" I studied his little nameplate. "Okay Officer-____" Whatever-the-fuck (I forgot his name, it's been a long time). "Now ya'll go help that lady, we've all got things to do."

And they left. And I'll be damned, they actually DID stop a block down. They did a drive by again, the next morning, about 10am, I guess when their shift was over.

They drove by slowly, fully gaping at these weird white boys in the middle of the mexican ghetto. There were about four of us still standing at that point. We had what was left of the second keg outside and were drinking and filling up 3 kiddie pools that we had bought at wal-mart during the middle of the night. We waved. They waved back, laughing.

Never had any problems after that.

And- Shit, my boss is yelling. This damn trip down memory lane took longer than I thought...


mirth said...

Man! I love good writing! And this is a great story to tell.
Congrats on your achievements ('tho I don't know what they are, or at least what field they are in) and good luck to gf with the job and...change is good, Fade. Hard, but good.

Pam said...

Ahhh, I remember parties like those.

Now the only ones I go to feature Dora the Explorer or Princesses. And an occasional Spider Man.

Hill said...


Hill said...

Oh yeah, where's that asshole "Caveman" these days?

Fade said...

Yeah, having two little girls (and uh-one big one) in the house will tone down your partying... But I still have my every-other-weekend.

Change IS Good. Hopefully it will be a catalyst for some positive energy to get flowing. I plan on moving and not telling my worthless brothers where I moved to for at least six months. (fricking pains in my ass).

And Hill- I Out-Trolled Cavey. He just couldn't take the abuse anymore.
Surrender Monkey. hehe

angry ballerina said...

I love cops. And they love me.

busker said...

His face got red but I plowed right on, invincible because I was stone cold sober- "Do I need to go check on her? How long have you been here? 2o minutes? Jesus are you guys for real? "