Jun 6, 2007

How the Government will Save you from Terror, Part one

The US government has a new website, www.ready.gov , displaying public service symbols for terrorism readiness in the tradition of the old "duck and cover" campaigns.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything!

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
Example

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle.
If you are bald, yell really loud.
Example

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
Example

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Example

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
Example


The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water, and at least one armless hand.
Example


Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.
Example


Hurricanes, animal corpses, and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
Example


Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy.
Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
Example


Government Explanation: If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Rovian Counter Explanation: (ala Busker ) Questions about terror scores, the no-fly list, and warrantless wiretaps, as well as any and all other inquiries relating to America's GWOT strategy, may be brought to the Antiterror Enforcement Complaints Authority, where you may 1) talk to the hand, and then 2) leave.

Example



If your building collapses, cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye.
Example


Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
Example


After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
Example


If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
Example


If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell.
Example


If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
Example


Halliburton Headquarters is in Houston. Avoid at all costs.
Example


If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
Example



When approached by Der Shrubenfuhrer or the Blackwater Shrubtroopers, quickly bow then assume the fetal position so as to not appear "terroristical"
Example


Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
Example


A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!
Example


Pay attention to the signs! You are now Government-Ready-ized to face Armageddon! Enjoy the remainder of the show.

CONTEST!
If you have better lines for the "Danger Signs" feel free to post them in the comments... Whoever I think has the best lines will get (absolutely free!) an official Fade Arma-ged-it-on Survivor Kit, which of course, includes an obligatory Arrogant Bastard Ale (the Unofficial beer of the Apocalypse).

14 comments:

angry ballerina said...

How long did it take you to come up with this shit?!

Fade said...

All the images came from an email I got... I went to Ready.Gov and found oodles and oodles of material...

The kids section is great, and also informs you that the word "terrorist" is from France, even.

I only changed a couple of the captions for the pics. If you have better lines for the "Danger Signs" feel free to post them in the comments...

pissed off patricia said...

A while back I did captions on these and emailed them to my husband at work. We had such fun with them. No way I'm going to try to top your captions, they are great! The one about the car is laugh out loud funny.

Hill said...

Oh.My.Holy.Hell

Fade, this is HILARIOUS!

Seriously. Frigging HILARIOUS!

I'm e-mailing Mike at C&L. This is too good NOT to be recognized by a big audience.

Hill said...

E-mail sent.
;-)

busker said...

I haven't laughed so hard all week. In fact, I haven't laughed so hard in recent memory.

If you have better lines for the "Danger Signs" feel free to post them in the comments.

Umm, I really don't, but since I want an official Fade Arma-ged-it-on Survivor Kit and nobody else is in the running:

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

could also work as

Questions about terror scores, the no-fly list, and warrantless wiretaps, as well as any and all other inquiries relating to America's GWOT strategy, may be brought to the Antiterror Enforcement Complaints Authority, where you may 1) talk to the hand, and then 2) leave.

Fade said...

Oh, and a free link should your witticisms be deemeth worthah.

Busker- You may indeed have quipped the best one yet! You are ahead of the snarling, ravenous pack, by ... like a bunch- or just a wee bit, depending on how half-baked you are.

Fade said...

Hill! Thank you, for your support! And now I know what you go through on all your posts, with all them pictures! I damn near developed cut and paste fatigue with all this shit!

mirth said...

*laughlaughlaugh*
No way the captions could be better.
Best laugh in a long time!

QuestionGirl said...

Best laugh I had all day...... great post Fade!

Pam said...

BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA!! I think I just peed my pants!!

Teach me not to check in for awhile.

Pam said...

Your word verification thingie just made me type in "godcock". Swear.

Fade said...

Pam- RE:Godcock....

I have more captions ricocheting off the insides of my head for that than for all those pics above..

I better just keep my mouth shut.

lol.

angry ballerina said...

Niiice