Red State Blues

I'm from a Red State. And boy, don't I know it. I'm from Texas, so, needless to say (if you've ever met a Texan) I am a proud-as-hell-of-Texas asshole. But as for being proud of my fellow Texans lately... Well, let's just say... Not so much.

In the recent elections, RedStater Texans stood firm against the liberal Democratic nominees and kept our bevy of Republican rubberstamp incumbents just to be rebels. Fuck you, we're from Texas, as the T-shirts say.

My fellows Texans rallied around men like Rick "Why don't you just let us get on down the road" Perry, pork loving morons like Randy Neugebauer and Delwin Jones, who is fast approaching Strom Thurmond status as our oldest federal fossil. Voting for Delwin, who once WAS a democrat, is kinda like going to the grocery store- It's just something Texans do periodically. I don't know whether or not anyone knows if Delwin really goes to Washington or if he's just out fishing somewhere. And I don't believe too many Texans really give a damn either way.

But, in case you aren't sure which color state you are in: here's a list to let YOU Know if you are living in a red state or a blue state...courtesy of the fine Betty Bowers, a great Christian and Republican at Landover Baptist Church.

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Blue States: Home of good schools
Red States: Homeskooled good

Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.

Blue States:Favor electric cars
Red States: Favor electric chairs

Blue States: Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air

Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz
Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz

Blue States:Favor institutionalized health care for the poor
Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor

Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve
Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines

Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress
Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil

Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"
Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden" part of "tax and spend"

Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.

Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row
Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks

Blue States:Concerned about global warming
Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!

Blue States:Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him
Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him

Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act
Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation

Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day
Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth

Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose
Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship

Blue States: Champion women wrestling with the right to choose
Red States: Choose women's wrestling championships

Blue States:Want a rational energy policy
Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism

Blue States:Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks
Red States: Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account

Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different
Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different

Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder

Blue States: Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"
Red States: Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory

Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes
Red States: Inherited slaves

Blue States:Buy art
Red States:Collect Beanie Babies

Mr.Way Too Proud of Texas Guy